If you can't function in a messy house, you're not crazy

Plus, 6 tips to keeping and maintaining a semi-tidy home with kids

I can’t come up yet, the laundry is yelling at me. I explained to my husband as he was walking up the stairs to bed. The way he looked at me after I said that made me realize that he had no idea what I meant. Sure, he got the general vibe that there was laundry to be folded and sorted. But, the concept of something inanimate demanding me to do something was foreign to him.

When I walk into my home and there’s shoes splayed out all around the entrance way, coats lying in piles, dishes overflowing in the kitchen sink, clothes to be laundered, scraps of paper strewn across my workspace, I don’t just see a messy, cluttered home. I hear it. And, it’s loud: Put me away, clean me, fold me, organize me, sweep me. hello, hello, are you there? Sure, I have free will and can choose to ignore the noise, to walk away, to save it for later. But, the noise also carries weight and it gets heavier as my bandwidth slowly dwindles.

As moms - we are already pulled in so many directions. Little voices are asking for snacks, hugs, and attention. Work deadlines. Family commitments. Relationships. The noise can be overwhelming at best.

When I was working outside of the home, I was more okay with having a home that was clean when we intentionally reset it in the evenings or deep cleaned it on the weekend, but that looked lived in (that’s putting it nicely) during the moments in between. But, since working from home, I can’t just shut the door on the spaces that need tending to.

I learned that inanimate objects don’t speak to my husband (shocker there - another crazy me thing?) sure, he sees the mess but it has no visceral impact on him until it’s time to tackle it or I ask him to do something like, take the garbage out, clean the dishes. In the interim he is legitimately unbothered. Yes, he prefers a tidy, organized, and clean home. It’s nicer. But, for him it’s nicer in the same way he’d prefer a fancy dinner, but is fine with pasta and cheese. Keeping house can be a luxury to him, not a necessity for productivity, calm, and mental peace.

At first, I thought maybe this was another husband/wife divide. Like the mental load that women invariably carry. But, then I saw a post on my community mom Facebook group where someone asked what the going rate for cleaning help is these days. This seemingly innocuous question spiraled into an impassioned conversation about how expensive basic necessities are these days - childcare costs, food prices, cleaning help, extracurricular activities, etc. Then, someone wrote (and I’m paraphrasing here):

Here’s a novel idea, instead of complaining about how expensive cleaning help is, just let your house be messy.

Not my home. I promise. But, I know what this mom feels like!

It was 10pm, I was trying to go to bed on time, but the drama was just starting. I was hooked. Something phenomenal was emerging. The difference between me and my husband was coming out on a global scale (okay, just within this Facebook group of a couple thousand moms, but still). Some people observed having a clean home as a luxury while others viewed it as a basic necessity. The luxury people could not understand why someone would spend so much on cleaning help when they were already struggling financially, and the basic necessity group felt attacked as they tried to explain that keeping a clean home doesn’t have to do with “keeping up with the Joneses” or some unrealistic standard of order, but that they need it to be a sane functioning human and not go psycho on their kids and spouse. Paying for cleaning help is still cheaper than therapy, one mother said.

The conversation was not so civil and at some point the moderator had to turn off comments. People were talking right past each other because the moms like my husband could not understand what it feels like for mess or clutter to demand anything of you, to impact your workability, and affect your mood and the people like me felt extremely defensive trying to explain that it isn’t just about “letting go” and becoming a more chill, go with the flow person that can handle a bit of mess here and there.

It’s been a few years since I had that first conversation about laundry with my husband and a couple months since the Facebook thread, but since then I’ve spoken to a lot of my mom friends about how the tidyness of their home impacts their mental well-being and workability as well as their relationships with their spouses and children.

I found that for many moms, it’s significantly easier to handle a toddler meltdown during dinner if the kitchen counters are clean. For many who work from home, having a clean office and knowing they aren’t behind on laundry, greatly increases their 9 to 5 productivity.

The “basic necessity” group of people, speak more compassionately to their husbands when the house is clean and feel as if they have increased bandwidth. Meanwhile, the “luxury” moms or the ones who inanimate objects don’t yell at, are often just as overwhelmed by the amount of chores they need to do and responsibilities they have, but whether a particular task is already done or not doesn’t directly impact their ability to do a different unrelated task. Having a sink full of dirty dishes, does not impact their ability to bake cookies for the school bake sale (do people still do that?).

Understanding this distinction has really helped my husband and I get on the same page about the general upkeep of our home. It ultimately encouraged us to keep our cleaning lady even when I was in between jobs, and it led me to intentionally structure our home in a way that the baseline tidyness I need to be my best self is easily achievable and sustainable.

So, if you’re like me and you can’t recognize the monster version of yourself you become in a messy home, then first off - you’re not crazy. Or, better put - you’re just as crazy as me :) But, second: I want to share the things I do on a daily basis that really help. Here are 6 tips to maintain a semi-tidy home that actually work.

6 tips to maintain a semi-tidy home (that actually work!)

With seven normal (read: insanely messy) children, limited income, and even more limited time, I can’t spend hours cleaning every day or hire out all my burdensome tasks. Yet, a tidy home is important to me and necessary for the calm, welcoming, patient, fun mother I aspire to be. I also see the impact having a tidy space has on my children - in both play, learning, and behavior (they get it from me). There’s lots of advice out there about how to keep your house clean, but I find that no matter how well intended they are, often within a few weeks things fall back to the way there were before. In the same way cleaning out your junk drawer, but still having a junk drawer, means your junk drawer will always need to be cleaned out. It’s critical to me that the advice I share is sustainable over the long term with little to no additional maintenance fees. These work for me, and they can work for you too.

Keeping your house clean with kids running around can often feel like trying to brush your teeth while eating Oreos. Here are six tried-and-true ways to maintain (and actually sustain) a semi-tidy home—even with little tornadoes living under your roof.

1. No Toys in the Bedrooms (or upstairs if you’re being ambitious!)

The key to keeping a clean home without overwhelm is to ensure that cleaning up can happen quickly. Your house will get messy, but if you structure your home in such a way that you can reset each room in only a few minutes, then no matter how much your children play and how lived in your space gets - you know that you can tackle it.

Our children’s rooms are cozy, well decorated, and a great place for our kids to play, read, and sleep. But, they don’t have any toys in them — ever. There’s plenty of imaginative games to play without toys, not to mention pillow fights and fort building. The bedrooms don’t need toys to be safe, fun spaces for your children. When bedrooms aren’t cluttered with toys, no matter how messy they look, you will always be able to reset it within minutes: throw the dirty clothes in the hamper, put away any clean clothes in the drawers, put the books back on the shelf, make the bed. done.

Additionally, if toys stay out of the bedrooms, it also makes your playroom or basement (wherever you do have your toys) easier to clean as you aren’t searching every room for missing pieces.

2. Keep the Front of Your House Simple

Prioritize the front of your house always being simple and clean. Depending on your home’s layout, this could be an entire living room or just the entryway. The goal? Make the first thing you (and guests) see when they walk in feel clean and welcoming. A clutter-free front space is sometimes all your overstimulated mom-brain needs to tolerate the messy playroom or kitchen - a small, but important safe haven in a beautifully lived-in home.

We’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember. Even in our first tiny apartment, we always made sure the little 2x2 entrance space was tidy and organized. Now, in our bigger space, our living room is at the front of our house. The living room only has a couch and two chairs - no toys, books, or easily mess-up-able items. That room stays clean 90% of the time. It’s not luck, it’s intentionally designed that way.

3. The ‘15-Minute Cooldown’

Every evening after dinner, our entire family (yes, even the little ones) spend 15 minutes resetting the house. This isn’t a punishment or a chore—it’s a team effort, and my husband and I are involved too. We assign zones, set a timer, play some music, and clean.

Everyone is cleaning at the same time and when everyone is participating including me and my husband, the whole house can be reset in those fifteen minutes. This is a game changer because not only does it reduce a task that would take me two hours to do alone, to only fifteen minutes of my time, but the fifteen minutes are while the kids are awake! They’re bonus tasks. Which means I didn’t compromise any of my “me” time resetting the home. The 15 minute cool-down principle can be used for any area of your evening that’s taking up too much of your time alone - making lunches, picking out clothes, cleaning up. This method turns those tasks into a set block of shared non-negotiable time - like dinner, or bedtime - and removes them from your plate.

4. Ruthlessly Declutter — Get Rid of Those Toys!

Be ruthless. If it’s not being used, donate it. Kids don’t need an entire toy store in your living room. Avoid keeping toys with multiple small parts - unless you want to be searching for the pieces every day. Don’t hold onto every small prize and goody-bag toy. Same with stuffed animals—your child has a few favorites, the rest can go. Likely you could get rid of 80% of your toys and stuffed animals today without your child even noticing. Depending on your kid’s personality you can make this a learning opportunity where you declutter together and then donate together (one of my children is able to do this well and we went through her stuffed animals and brought them to a local children’s hospital together, but most of my kids do better if I get rid of stuff when they’re not home).

Less stuff = less mess. It’s simple math. Kids also play better when they’re not drowning in options. Research shows that too many toys can actually reduce a child’s attention span and engagement in play. And if you’re worried about well-meaning relatives constantly gifting more toys, set boundaries (and check out my article: 5 gift ideas for kids that are NOT toys). If you declutter regularly, you prevent the slow buildup of chaos that makes tidying feel like an impossible task.

5. Habit Stack with Cleaning

Don’t bribe your kids to clean with external rewards like “If you clean, you get screen time.” Instead, tie cleaning into things that are happening anyway: “Let’s clean now so you have time to watch your show before bed.” The show is motivation, but not a reward for cleaning—I’ve found this distinction very important.

This builds intrinsic motivation and positive associations. Cleaning isn’t some dreaded task—it’s just something that happens before the next fun thing. Research on habit formation suggests that stacking a new habit (cleaning) onto an existing habit (watching a show, going out) makes it stick more easily. It also prevents the trap of kids only cleaning when there’s a bribe attached. Over time, this method creates a natural expectation that tidying up is just part of the non-negotiable flow of the day. You can look at your day and see where there are natural opportunities for cleaning-stacking.

6. Use Buckets or Stations

If something needs to be in a room where it doesn’t normally belong, make it contained and easy to put away. In those first few months with a new baby, we have baskets with diapers, wipes, cream, water, snacks, burp cloths, change of clothes, purrell in almost every room. But since they’re in their own basket it never made the addition of these “new” items feel messy. The same rule applies to art supplies, toys, or anything else: one bucket, one cart, one container that makes cleanup quick and simple.

This method keeps necessary items accessible without making your home feel chaotic. Everything has a place, and when cleanup is as easy as tossing things into a designated bin, even the kids can manage it.

At the end of the day, a tidy home isn’t about perfection or even hygiene—it’s about creating a space that works for your family and doesn’t make you lose your mind. Kids will always bring a certain level of chaos, but with the right systems, you can keep it manageable. It’s also important to remember that even with all the systems in the world, sometimes we need more help. Investing in yourself by hiring cleaning help when necessary is often the right decision.

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Okay, just a note: I know it feels unfair that I started off talking about laundry and then the 6 tips were not about laundry. The truth is, laundry is its own beast and I have an entire article coming down the pike devoted solely to how we stay on top of laundry and clothing organization with our family of 9. So don’t worry. It wasn’t overlooked. It just deserves its own spotlight.

What did you think of this post? Are you like me or my husband? What are your best strategies for maintaining the chaos that is not “embrace the mess”? Share it in a comment below. Let’s get the conversation rolling.

P.S. I’ve quietly turned on the paid option for this newsletter. Everything stays free, but if you’d like to support the work, you can now upgrade—completely optional, always appreciated.